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The United States of Bros: Where You Are = Which Bro You Are

Jezebel made the world a little easier to understand by posting The United States of Bros: A Map and Field Guide.

Erin Gloria Ryan writes:

“Like “hipster” and “douchebag,” the word “bro” has been applied to such a vast swath of American culture that it seems no one is really sure what it means anymore. Turns out, much of that confusion can be attributed to the fact that a bro is different depending on where in the Bronited States of Bromerica you’re currently bro’ing down. ”

Yes Erin, yes. This is something my friends and I have spent endless hours debating – the subsections of bros. While we were mostly going by phases such as post-bro (when you’re a bro who has just discovered Indie music, you love Phoenix and Vampy Weeks, and you went to business school – but at NYU), Erin breaks it down by region. I believe this is another important way to categorize “the bro.”

And so in honor of my location in New York:

The Manhattan Bro

Uniform: Blue button down shirt, grey or black work pants, nice leather Big Time Job Shoes. Good hair.
Intoxicant: Beer/Adderall.
Habitat: The office (they’re all investment bankers), or the bar down the street from the office that is filled with other bros who have identical jobs and identical wardrobes, or the biggest table at a popular but expensive steak house in Brooklyn during the after work hours. Bathroom stalls that lend themselves well to the blowing of lines.
Hobbies: Over-identifying with the really over-the-top scenes from Wolf of Wall Street. Stealing cabs. Eventually marrying women named Claire, and then divorcing her for a woman named Madison (who is 23). Yelling.
Secret shame: Feels bad about small penis.
Celeb brospiration: Alec Baldwin punching a guy”

Nailed it Erin.

There’s also Chicago Bro, Southern Frat Bro, LA Bro, The Masshole, and many more. Read them all on Jezebel!

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